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When All Else Fails, Get Stupid Naked

Vices Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

Why are celebrities so fucking stupid? No, we’re not talking about the movies they make or the albums they record or any of that. We’re talking about starring in their own homemade sex videos and then finding them being “illegally” distributed through the various avenues sometime later. Our advice is to just keep the cameras in their cases if you don’t want your private moments making personal fortunes for other on the Internet. Still, everyone seems to want to see celebs doing the wild thing for various reasons. Maybe it’ll be unintentionally hilarious (usually). Perhaps it will give us a glimpse into the true nature of some of our idols (sometimes). Or maybe there’s a chance it will actually be one of the sexiest things we’ve ever seen (hardly ever, if at all). Whatever the case, Bullz-Eye salutes those bravely stupid celebs who have charmed us all with their starring porno roles that were never intended for the public’s consumption. Enjoy with a cheap can of beer, a bag of pork rinds, and your lover.

Pam & Tommy Lee – Hardcore & Uncensored
All right, let’s get the mother lode of all celeb pornos out of the way first. If you haven’t heard of this one by now, you’re a complete prude and don’t need to be online, or watching TV, or any of that. This is a new, re-released “only legal” version of the infamous home movie Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee made when they were super groovy in love with each other. Everyone gets to see Pam’s boobs in yet another new cup size, as well as Tommy “The Shlong” Lee’s large penis. Come on, now! There’s plenty bigger to be seen online than both of these goofballs. Pam seems shy a lot of times in this footage, while Tommy just can’t get enough of the sight of his own appendage working its magic. He loves Pam and tells her this over and over. She tries to reply but has her mouth full. It’s no wonder she’s now affiliated with PETA after having personally abused Tommy’s meaty wonder. Oh well, it at least made Lee possibly more famous than he ever was, and showed why tattoos on your gut really aren’t a great idea.

Stolen Sex Video (with Pam Anderson and Bret Michaels)
Another chestnut (ha ha!) featuring Pam and a washed up rocker. This time it’s Bret Michaels of Poison, and they’re doing it on Brett’s bed. The lighting is pretty shitty, and there’s no need for anyone to have to be tortured by watching Michaels do Anderson. Although, she does seem really into him even though he’s constantly coming off (hmm) like a complete moron. Just goes to show how desperate groupies can get when a guy this goofy sings some lame songs and yet isn’t much of a maestro in the sack. Ah well, it’s all about the kill and not about the thrill, right? No thrills here, however, unless you find Pam’s head bobbing for far too long something thrilling. Moving right along…

One Night in Paris
Who can understand any of the fascination with Paris Hilton? From out of nowhere, she seemed to spring into the public’s eye and no one could escape. Ditzy doesn’t even begin to describe her, although she did make one hell of a rockin’ dance tune called “Screwed,” for which we’ll give her credit. She’s stolen many friends’ boyfriends, showed up late to her own functions, and generally caused a mild annoyance all over Hollywood. She also made this craptastic home porno with then-boyfriend Rick Salomon. It’s shot in night vision, giving everything a stupid green tint. Paris just wants to see herself, and makes Rick stop what he’s doing so she can look at her own face. If ever there was a case of a deer being caught in the headlights, here ya go. Morbid curiosity is not even a good enough reason to waste your time with this one. However, a whole bunch of amateur porn fans started making night vision flicks of their own soon after this tape was released, so once again Paris Hilton has her finger on the trashy pulse of the public.

Tonya and Jeff’s "Wedding Night"
When all else fails, get stupid naked! Tonya Harding fell from grace in a case we’re all familiar with. Then she wound up being seen ‘round the world in the buff thanks to Jeff Gillooly selling a personal sex video the two made to a tabloid. But who wants to see Tonya Harding nude? She always had the trailer trash look, and nowhere is this better seen than in the dreadful “Wedding Night” porn (Harding’s wedding gown is actually just a Halloween costume). She and Jeff Gillooly get it on in a really depressing setting that looks like it was straight from hell. Be prepared with a suicide pill with your beer while watching this one. If ever there was something to define the term “not sexy,” then this video is it.

Leaked Fred Durst video
This was big news when it hit the Internet. Fred Durst taping himself going doggy-style with some chick, only to have a Paris Hilton moment and turn the camera on his own face. It’s a hilarious moment, and one well worth seeing again and again. Who cares about the sex, look at Durst getting all into himself! And really, the sex is nothing thrilling, but then we are talking about Fred Durst here. His partner must have been paid as her reactions seem fake and disconnected. Ah, when the mighty fall, it’s a gas, gas, gas.

One Night in China
Ah, how the mighty fall. Case in point, Mr. Tom Sizemore. At one point in his career, he was an A-list celeb starring in flicks like “Saving Private Ryan,” but something happened along the way called drugs. Recently, Tom says he’s going to get help and clean up his act, but before that he made this nifty video featuring himself and a lot of hookers. It was business as usual for them. It was anything but for Tom. Thrill to Sizemore wielding a huge dildo! Watch him get mad at his penis for not working properly! Swoon as he degrades his lady friends with his own nasty body and grunts, wheezes, and groans as he tries to have greasy, disgusting sex with all of them. He wants to watch them pee! He wants his penis to work! He wants you to love him! Why doesn’t anyone understand? Not even the whipped cream is helping! Someone help that man’s penis from being all limp and soft! Dig in there, Tom! Yeah, get it good! Rarrr! A sudden wave of nausea is taking over. No one should ever see this guy have sex.

Kid Rock and Scott Stapp sex tape
It may or may not be heading for retail distribution later this year, but in the meantime you can hit that link and then find another to a 40-second trailer for this work. “It’s good to be the king!” proclaims Stapp as a groupie goes down on him. He says it’s his third one of the day. Another groupie sucks on his nipple. Kid Rock just looks amused. Again, proof positive that you don’t have to have any real talent and can look like dog shit. Just sing a hit song and the ladies come a-knockin’. So just remember that the next time Scotty is getting his Jesus on. He’s mortal just like the rest of us. Except for the fact that he sucks and makes some of the worst “rock” to ever be heard by the human race. Oh well, at least we have something else to make fun of him for…till the next thing rolls around.

Honorable (and disturbing) Mention: Kelsey Grammer

Ugh. There is no way in hell anyone should be subjected to Kelsey Grammer having sex. Not even his sex partners, but according to the entry on celeb sex videos on Wikipedia:

Kelsey Grammer sued Internet Entertainment Group under the mistaken impression that it had purchased from Grammer’s former girlfriend Cerlette Lamme, a sex tape the couple had made. He dropped the suit after IEG countersued and stated that it had not bought or possessed the video his ex-girlfriend had been trying to sell. Grammer reportedly bought the tape from his former girlfriend for $1 million.”

So there you have it. A real Rogue’s Gallery and Who’s Who of celebrity sex tapes. Truth be told, you’re better off just catching some pro or amateur porn than wasting your time with any of these entries. But hey, they’re all worth a laugh, some more so than others. Undoubtedly more will crop up as surely as the world keeps turning. Thank God we just didn’t have to watch Rick Rockwell try to get it on with Darva Conger. Imagine stuffing his face with pizza and her. Ah, yes. Nothing quite like visual ipecac.